Passionate Brassier
by JustJeanette
Summary: AU. Very AU. Passionate Trousers Response of an equal opportunity kind. Warning: Do Not Drink any beverages whilst reading this piece of Romance Drivel. Brought to you be Des and Jeanette in the interests of Trite Writers Everywhere. COMPLETE.


Passionate Trousers Response of an equal opportunity kind. Warning: Do Not Drink any beverages whilst reading this piece of Romance Drivel. Brought to you be Des and Jeanette in the interests of Trite Writers Everywhere.

Disclaimer: We don't own them. We also apparently don't own any brains… Take the warnings seriously.

Trite Romance Drivel Ahead.

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Passionate Brassier Or He Just Wants a Good Lecturing.

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Draco, the Maleficent Malfoy, stood at the ramparts with his platinum blonde locks streaming in the wind. Lightning crackled around him, and as if on cue a magnificent roll of thunder shook the castle. He grinned wickedly™ as he contemplated his list of evil deeds for the day. First and foremost was the defeat of his nemesis, the know-it-all witch of the West, Hermione the Gorgeous Granger. As for her paramour extraordinaire, the snarkily-handsome Severus, he wished to discover for himself if it was true what they said about that man's talented tongue.

Taking his wand in hand, Draco stroked the smooth surface until he felt sweet ecstasy of power flow through him. With a quick flick he finished the incantation and cast his mind into Hermes, his familiar who was currently traveling with his minion, so that he could follow the progress his dastardly plot. The first impression that hit him was that his familiar was currently very unhappy, this was followed by a moment of extreme pain as though something were biting through his buttocks.

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Severus Snape's brow was marred by a frown that would have frozen an axolotl in its tracks; unfortunately the only thing suffering the full force of his gaze at the moment was the ground and it was not disposed to acknowledge the scowl. Worse yet his unidentified captor was sufficiently intelligent to realize that a 'wanded' wizard was a dangerous wizard and so had tied his wand tightly into his pants and in case the rumours of wandless magic were true, had also taken the precaution of binding his hands and stuffing his mouth before she had heaped the final indignity on the poor man by tossing him like a sack of potatoes across the back of a dapple-grey hippogriff.

As he struggled, his captor patted his rump saying, "There is no need to struggle Master Severus, in fact I would caution against it given the nature of your bonds."

He would have questioned the 'nature' of his bonds except for the mouth full of ferret fur that formed a crude gag, that, and the fact that at that instant he discovered the nature of the bonds and the idea of singing soprano for the rest of his life caused him to still any and all movement. Still he took his anger out on the beast and bit down hard causing it the squeal like a girl.

"That's better," again his rump was struck, "you'll soon adjust to your new life." His captor let out a shrill maniacal laugh at the thought of the Granger woman and her face when she discovered her beloved Severus taken from the centre of her stronghold. Of course the traps that had been left to ensure that any pursuit was likely to be painful only added to the delight.

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In symmetry with Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger also stood at the ramparts of her keep but the lightning and thunder that roared about Malfoy Hall were replaced with wild magics as the Gorgeous Granger fought to keep her anger in check. Her bosoms heaved and strained against the encasing leather making them almost breaking free; her milky-smooth thighs quivered with pent up energy as a dread thought penetrated her, as opposed to the morning's normal activities. The Severus had been taken. Battlement railings disintegrated beneath her hands, as she watched the Buxom Black-eyed Bulstrode ride off into the distance with the sweetly sarcastic Severus hog-tied to the back of a hippogriff. Bulstrode, who had been in line three or four times when Merlin was handing out melons, had consequently missed out on brains. The Gorgeous Granger concluded, quite rightly, that the bit had not breeched Granger Keep without assistance and apart from herself and the paramour, there was only one other wizard with the intelligence to plan such a unwise deed; the ever-annoying Miniscule Malfoy. That was the only reason that the Gorgeous Granger hadn't haired off in immediate pursuit as she knew that obstinately persistent pain-in-the-derriere had also probably instructed his minion (using very small words) on the nastiest traps he could imagine, and she could not face the prospect of claiming her reward from her abducted paramour amongst the soon-to-be-rubble Granger Keep if she didn't disarm that prat's nefarious booby traps. She smirked as she recalled how skilled the Miniscule Malfoy's minion was; booby-traps indeed. She hoped that he had used very small words, indeed.

It took but a moment for her to quench the foulest enchantments that had been placed on the Keep. It appeared that the Miniscule Malfoy had resorted to words of two syllables or more, and consequently his embarrassingly-inept but overly-endowed minion had not been up to the task. However her self congradulatory moment was ended as she remembered one pertainent fact, the Buxom Black-eyed Bulstrode may have failed to set most of the traps, but she had succeeded in obtaining the master bait.

The Gorgeous Granger's not-inconsiderable assets strained against the enclosing leather as her anger again mounted as she contemplated her revenge. Maybe stuffing a thesaurus down Miniscule Malfoy's throat except it wasn't deep enough for that sort of thing. Though on further contemplation Hermione considered shoving the collected works of Erica Jong down there; after all she had read them and still had a fear of flying. In the end she terminated this line of thinking; her library after all was her next most precious item.

Still, the Gorgeous Granger was not the smartest witch of her age for nothing as she quickly assessed, and discarded, numerous plans before opting for surveillance whilst she organised an appropriate pursuit. A quick flick of her wand summoned a flying carpet; a second flick had Ronald coming, and he was swiftly mounted on the carpet. She would use the weasel's eyes to keep watch on her beloved whilst she saw to the rescue details. A third flick and she sent the carpet flying off after the Buxom Black-eyed Bulstrom.

Racing for the stable, auburn tresses and a trail of destruction streaming behind her, Hermione looked like a demonic van der graff generator; energy crackled about her sending maids, servants, men-at-arms and men-at-rest scurrying for safety. One young maid, moments before she assumed the form of a fluffy white bunny, was heard to mutter 'why didn't anyone warn me it was that time of the month'. The stable doors were blown off their hinges even before Hermione reached them. It seemed Bulstrode had at least succeeded in one of Miniscule Malfoy's commands, as the stable was empty of any beast that could mount a land-based pursuit.

"Hagrid!!!" Hermione screamed in a voice loud enough to wake the dead or in Hagrid's case the well sated. The strident screech of his name aroused Hagrid, who was in the midst of dreaming about big-breasted woman. "Are you coming?"

"Yes," the half giant growled as a shudder tore through him. His ardor fell away sharply however as he finally recognized who was calling him and the tone suggested that serious pain was likely to be in the offering if he failed to appear instantly. Not surprisingly, he was right. Shambling from the stable master's quarters, he beheld a sight guaranteed to strike fear and loss of bladder control in lesser men; the Gorgeous Granger on the war path.

"Severus has been taken," was all she said before she began enchanting.

Hagrid's defense mechanisms failed to engage and before you could say 'super-cal-a-fraga-listic-expealidocious', he was transformed into a giant wombat. "That will teach you to eat, shoot and leave," Hermione muttered primly as she climbed onto its back. "I wonder if Buxom Black-eyed Bulstrode likes animals?" Digging her spiked heels in, she urged the beast forward to Malfoy Manor.

Using Ronald's eyes, Hermione was quickly able to determine which flight path Bulstrode had taken; she was also delighted to see Hermes, Miniscule Malfoy's familiar, struggling to escape from Severus' mouth. She snickered to herself as she thought that Malfoy had done her at least one favor, 'Next time he complains about muff diving I'll remind Severus about Hermes'.

Knowing which way they were flying, Hermione prodded Hagrid into a greater turn of speed and it was not long till her prey was in sight. Unfortunately they were also in sight of Malfoy Manor.

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Draco watched in horror as Hermione Granger began to cast a spell from the back of some horrid beast; no way was he losing Severus. Deciding that Bulstrode was expendable, after all minions were knut a dozen, the Miniscule Malfoy cast 'accio' on Severus as Hermione's spell hit the hippogriff on which Bulstrode rode. The sudden change in load, coupled with a painful burning sensation from the spell cast by Granger, had the hippogriff quickly spiraling out of control to hit the ground with a sickening thud. With the loss of support, the Buxom Bulstrode was king-hit from the front by those very assets that had very recently enthralled a now-enraged giant wombat. The Gorgeous Granger barely spared Bulstrode a second glance as she noted the interesting wave effects of unconstrained fleshy tissue. 'Thanks for the mammaries', she smirked as she rode up to the battlements of Malfoy Manor

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Meanwhile at the top of Malfoy Manor Severus knelt before Draco Malfoy and had an epiphany. "I may be a cunning linguist, Malfoy, but even I need something to work with," Severus sneered cheerfully as he got less than an eyeful.

Draco, fully prepared to bear the brunt of that cunning tongue, was nonetheless enraged as Severus' comments hit home. Clamping down hard on his anger, Draco drawled, "Sneer all you like, Severus, but at least I won't be singing soprano, which is a fate that may yet await you if you are not disposed towards co-operation." Draco smiled as he watched the slight tightening of Severus' groin.

Looking over the battlements Draco commented conversationally, "Well she certainly took the bait," as he watched Hermione Granger's approach. "Soon I will have rid the world of that know-it-all and you and I can live happily every after." He laughed maniacally as he shoved Hermes' tail back into Severus' mouth; "Can't have you spell casting now can we?"

Severus, his ears alert to Hermione's approach, did what any sensible wizard in his current circumstances would do, he bit down hard on Hermes' tail reasoning that being this close, Draco would not be able to withstand the pain his familiar was in. He was correct and the Miniscule Malfoy was soon seeing to the defense of his person leaving a hole in the defenses of the Manor, a hole which the Gorgeous Granger gladly took advantage of.

Apparating to the top of the tower, the Gorgeous Granger took advantage of Draco's distraction to take advantage of the still-bound Severus, though she removed the ferret from his mouth first and tossed it over the ramparts. Severus was only to keen to co-operate with Hermione Granger intentions, however, he was aware that Malfoy still posed a threat to their conjugal bliss and attempted to alert Hermione to the threat. "Worry not beloved," she whispered into his ear, "it is taken care of… see?" she nodded her head towards to tower door through which a dark, tousled haired and be-speckled young man appeared.

"Draco?" Harry Potter asked as he was dragged though the door by a small red weasel, "Oh Draco, haven't you gotten over him yet?" Harry asked as he came behind the Platinum haired wizard.

"No, and that's the problem," Draco wailed as he was drawn into Harry's embrace.

Turning to where Hermione and Severus were joined at the lips Harry said apologetically, "Are you sure I can't borrow some of his hair? Draco might get over his obsession if he was given one good lecturing."

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